When Will It Stop Hurting So Much?

Fr. John Cusick, Director
Young Adult Ministry Office

For many 30somethings and 20somethings the journey through the young adult years is a journey of learning and of revelation about some of life’s great lessons and life’s most difficult moments. And these lessons are not taught in a classroom environment. No book can prepare you for them and nothing, not even two aspirin, will make them easier to experience or make them go away faster. They are found in the laboratory of everyday life.

At this time in life, we begin to encounter the stark reality that life is not always fair and just and kind. There is a good chance your heart will be broken. And guess what? That heart of yours can get broken more than once!

A young woman came to see me one day and asked that simple question printed above: “When will it stop hurting so much?” “Please explain,” I said to her. “Early last year my dad died. And there has not been a single day since that I haven’t really hurt inside. I thought I would run out of tears! But they keep coming and coming.”

I did something I never did before. I had a copy of the Chicago Sun-Times in my office. I gave it to her and asked her to turn to the Death Notice page. Once she found it, I said, ”Now starting in the upper left hand column, read out loud to me the names of each person on that page.” She gave me a very strange look, but she began. She stopped half way through the alphabetized list and said, “What’s this about?” “Keep reading,” I said.

When she finished the entire list, she put down the paper and said, “So what? What did that have to do with why I wanted to come and talk to you?” “Everything,” I said.

“All those people whose names you read out loud to me died in this area within the last 24-54 hours. You did not know any of them. You did not love any of them. Do you know why you hurt SO MUCH? Because you loved your dad SO MUCH. That’s why. If you didn’t love, you would not hurt.”

There is a good chance that in your 20s and 30s you will ask that question: “When will it stop hurting so much?” Death hurts. And the more you love, the more you will hurt.

But once again the Lord Jesus gives us a strategy for when this experience of life happens to us. When you experience the death of a grandparent, a mom or dad, a sibling, a child, a good friend, or a significant family member, keep in mind that it is a love story before it is anything else. The experience of death is scary, final and terrifying. If we didn’t love, those emotions would never take over our lives.

In the story of Jesus standing in front of the tomb of his dead friend, Lazarus, we were told two important things. First, early on in the story it is made clear that Jesus loved Lazarus. Second, it is the only experience of Jesus weeping. He hurt. He wept. His friend died. He loves Lazarus.

Yet Jesus was not frozen in grief. He did what He always did. He brought the love of the divine life of God to the darkest and most empty place in life: death. Facing the darkness of death, he faced the tomb of Lazarus and said in a loud voice (a loud voice in scripture is always a sign of the presence of God), “Lazarus, come out!” And so he did. Lazarus came out of the darkness of a tomb into the light of the world, bound head-to-toe with all the linen trappings of death. Jesus said, “Unbind him and let him go free!” That is the same command of Moses on behalf of God to the Egyptian Pharaoh, “Let my people go!” Nothing will get in the way of God’s eternal love, not slavery in times past and now not death. God’s life is stronger than anything – even death.

Hurt, cry, feel lousy for as long as it takes. It happens because you love. And because God loves, there is another love that is everlasting. That is stronger than the death you are experiencing.

This is all a setup for the experience of the suffering and death of Christ we will focus on next week, Holy Week.

But for today, can you take a moment or two and raise to your consciousness someone who has died and whom you miss. Commend that person or people to God’s everlasting love. And if you need to, shed a tear or two. I know I will.

Fr. John Cusick